Gary Kubiak's Obituary

Not surprisingly, Houton Texans owner Bob McNair gave Head Coach Gary Kubiak the ax today. Kubiak's firing has been often speculated during his eight yers as the Texans coach. The catastrophic 11 game losing streak made this termination inevitable. The team that had Super Bowl aspirations during training camp is now 2-11.

GARY WAYNE KUBIAK (2006-2013)

Gary Wayne Kubiak, born August 15, 1961, saw his Houston Texans Head Coaching tenure, established 2006, die on Friday, December 6, 2013. Kubiak succumbed to a hysterically Keystone Cops performance against the Jacksonville Jaguars in which he let the Texans and their fans get “Schaubed” one last time.

Kubiak was fiercely loyal to “Kub’s Kids” like Joe Marciano and Matt Schaub. So much that if children built a playhouse out of copies of Kubiak’s resume, their house would be made of mediocrity. Kubiak electrified the city with a scintillating 9-7 finish in 2009. After pushing the team to the edge of the cliff in 2010, Wade Phillips rode in on Daddy’s white horse, wearing a ten gallon hat, and saved the team and Kubiak’s job.

Perhaps Kubiak is part Native American. He gave Houston two consecutive AFC South Division championships and hosted two playoff games, wins against the Cincinnati Bengals (record holders for NFL playoff win futility). Then he Indian-gave the city, serving a steaming pile of crap for a 2013 season. The season started normally, with the Texans squeaking by in two games they should have won in a rout.

But those underachieving staples of the Kubiak regime became a pleasant memory as Matt Schaub single handedly gave away a win against the Seattle Seahawks, now the NFL’s best team. Fans called for Kubiak to take Matt Schaub and cut him. He wouldn’t. The Texans haven’t won a game since. Ironically, Schaub still has a job.

Kubiak’s remains will be cremated as only Matt Schaub was willing to volunteer as a pall bearer. In lieu of flowers, please send a coach with a clue.

Kubiak and Schaub --> going down with the ship.

Image spliced from images from www.ultimatetitanic.com, www.fannation.com, and http://benignhumor.wordpress.com

NO MORE TEXANS!

Last year, the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Houston Texans on a 50+ yard Hail Mary pass that was batted down by Glover Quin of the Texans...right into the waiting arms of Jaguars receiver Mike Thomas. The stunning setback put a dagger into the Texans' playoff hopes. Fans were beside themselves.

Josh Innes, a close personal friend of mine and a Houston sports talk host, remixed a recording of the call of a disgruntled fan named Gabriel to the tune of REM's "Everybody Hurts", aired while guest hosting The Jim Rome Show. Gabriel, who spoke with a fiery Latino accent, exclaimed, "NO MORE TEXANS!" during his call, in frustration and shock from the inexplicable defeat and collapsing Texans season. The audio clip was talk radio gold and has received repeated requests for an encore on Rome's show and Innes' show on SportsRadio 610 in Houston.

NO MORE TEXANS! 1

DEJA VU

Last night, the 10-4, playoff bound, 2011 AFC South division champion Houston Texans traveled to Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis to face the Peyton Manning-less, 1-13 Colts. The Texans have never won at Indianapolis.

That futility streak would continue. Fueled by several penalties (including, interestingly, a pass interference call on Quin), the hapless Colts rallied from a four point deficit by driving nearly 80 yards in the waning minutes of the game, ending in a Reggie Wayne touchdown reception from former Texans quarterback Dan Orlovsky in the final seconds. The Colts won 19-16.

Reggie Wayne: TOUCHDOWN! NO MORE TEXANS! 2

THREE STEPS FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK

The Texans' entire 10 year existence has been a exercise in futility. The franchise, which played its first game in 2002, never demonstrated a pulse until 2008. Opposing teams could all but certainly count on the Texans game on the schedule for a slam-dunk victory prior to that year. It did not have its first winning season until 2009.

The Texans appeared to have a breakthrough this season, clinching its division, and the first NFL playoff game in Houston in 18 years (when the Tennessee Titans used to be the Houston Oilers and Hall of Famer Warren Moon was the QB). Two weeks ago, the Texans were 10-3, tied for the best winning percentage in the AFC with the New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens.

However, all progress has a cost. The Texans have been without Pro Bowl wide receiver Andre Johnson for most of the season due to nagging injuries. The first pick in the 2006 NFL Draft, Pro Bowl defensive end Mario Williams, was lost for the year, early in the season, due to a muscle tear. Last season's Most Valuable Player of the Pro Bowl, quarterback Matt Schaub, was lost for the season on a freak accident foot injury while attempting a quarterback sneak. The following week, long time underachiever and former Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart, Schaub's backup, fell off of the bench (apparently) and was lost for the year with a shoulder injury.

Matt Leinart, left, and Matt Schaub, right, out for the season. No more Matts...NO MORE TEXANS! 3

NEXT MAN UP!

The Texans remained resilient. Defensive coordinator Wade Phillips', "next man up" declaration became a rally cry among the Texans and their fans. Ironically, Phillips himself has missed some games due to a medical procedure. Rookie quarterback T.J. Yates, out of North Carolina stepped in after Leinart's injury and has, in general, played effectively.

This is what makes the Texans current two game losing streak, both to teams guaranteed to have losing records in 2011 (having been spanked, 28-13, by the Carolina Panthers last Sunday), particularly painful. The Texans appeared to be a team of destiny, overcoming obstacle after obstacle to win their division and have a shot at the AFC's top seed. Over the last two weeks, they have looked like the "same old Texans", finding inventive ways to lose games that they "should" win on paper.

T.J. Yates: the next man up. 5

THE PAST IS PAST

Currently, the Texans chances of securing a first round bye are very slim. The Texans will need a victory over the Tennessee Titans on New Year's Day and lot of help from opponents of the Patriots, Ravens, and Steelers to have any chance of securing a bye, not likely. All the Texans can do is regroup, put the recent adversity in the rear-view mirror, identify and correct their errors, and try to treat the playoff-starved Houston fans the success they have been denied for nearly a generation. The next opponent is Tennessee. The "next man up" to step up is entirely up to the Texans.

The Texans have two choices in the playoffs: Next man up or NO MORE TEXANS! 4

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Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics – Part 4

The Daily Hat Trick has treated you to rounds of statistics that may make you go, “Hmm,” in football, basketball, and baseball. Today we have another round of not-so-intuitive NFL facts. Get ready to believe it or not in today’s Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.

Larry Centers is the NFL’s all-time leading receiver among running backs and among the NFL's 20 all time leading receivers, regardless of position.

This was a statistic that I happened across that prompted me to write another Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. I remember Larry Centers as a very good football player and a hard runner. Centers is the NFL’s 19th all time leading receiver, with 827 receptions (though he is likely to be passed by Reggie Wayne and fall to 20th on Sunday). What makes this statistic mind blowing, if you aren’t familiar with his career, is that Centers is a running back, a running back that spent much of his career lined up at fullback.

A fullback, in the modern game, typically served one purpose: to block for the tailback. Sometimes he will pitch in and carry the ball in short yardage situations. Occasionally he will slip out of the backfield and catch a pass, a few times per season. Centers was not a traditional fullback. But even if he were a full time tailback, the idea that a receiver out of the backfield has more receptions than Hall of Fame receivers like Steve Largent, James Lofton, and Michael Irvin is somewhat astounding.

While he does have a Super Bowl ring from the Patriots win over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII, most of Centers’ teams were very bad. Centers spent nine of his 14 years in the NFL with the Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals, who only made the playoffs once during Centers’ tenure. Many of the Cards other skill position players were not even competent, let alone effective. The result? Centers, a three time Pro Bowler, was often called upon to bail his team out of a bad situation and the ball would be floated to him when other receivers could not get open, the quarterback was under too much pressure, or the QB just wasn’t very good and dumped it off to Centers.

What makes this figure even more astounding is that not only does Centers top many great receivers, he tops all running backs, in an era in which a lot of great Hall of Fame or future Hall of Fame running backs made their mark by catching passes. Examples include Marshall Faulk, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Marcus Allen.

Fullbacks who can do this are special players. 1

Ricky Williams holds the record for most rushing attempts in a game among active players and is fifth, all-time (42 carries in 2003 vs the Buffalo Bills).

Of all of the players that have popped up more than once when doing research for this Lies…Statistics series, Ricky Williams is the one that makes me scratch my head the most. Williams’ career is as closely associated excellent runs as it is with odd occurrences, nearly three completely missed seasons (two seasons largely because of his desire to smoke marijuana and one due to a freak injury in his first action of the 2007 season), a wedding dress photo on the cover of ESPN the Magazine with former coach Mike Ditka, conducting media interviews with his helmet on, etc.

It is easy to lose sight of the fact that Williams, when he has actually played, has always been a valuable contributor to his teams and, in his younger years, a rugged, dominating back. Yet Williams has had two performances in his career (the other being a 40 carry performance in his rookie year with the New Orleans Saints) that known workhorse running backs such as Walter Payton, O.J. Simpson, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Earl Campbell have never topped.

Better or Worse? This is "WORST"! 2

DeMarco Murray’s explosion against the Rams, last month, is one of the top ten all-time performances for total rushing yards in a single game.

Who the heck is DeMarco Murray? In spite of his stellar, 253 yard performance two Sundays ago, he is no more than a Johnny come lately, rookie running back in the big picture, at this time. Still, the cold, hard fact is that Hall of Famers Eric Dickerson, Barry Sanders, Emmitt Smith, and Jim Brown never had a game with a rushing total like that of Murray, a third round draft pick, on one spectacular day for the rookie.

Murray saying goodbye to his 15 minutes of fame. 3

Matt Schaub is 10th all time for passes completed in a single season (396 in 2009).

Schaub is a good quarterback with a future Hall of Fame receiver who has always had solid running backs and a pass-friendly scheme during his stay with the Texans. Still, when you think of the 10 best performances in a single season, I would imagine that names like Manning, Brady, Elway, Marino, and Montana come to mind. Of those, only Manning and Brady are ahead of Shaub. Hall of Famers John Elway, Dan Marino, Joe Montana, Warren Moon, Dan Fouts, and future Hall of Famer Brett Favre never completed so many passes in a single season.

Playing with Andre Johnson doesn't hurt Schaub's cause. 4

To advertise with The Daily Hat Trick, or to submit a guest column, please contact the editor at eric@thedailyhattrick.info.

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All statistical data from http://www.profootballreference.com/
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Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics – NFL 2011

One of the many addictive elements of sports is the number of permutations available for performance statistics to analyzed, presented, and evaluated. In a number of discussions I have had with NFL fans, I have noticed that some fans are surprised by some statistical realities in the NFL, especially regarding career achievements.

Often, the longevity of an above average player can yield counter-intuitive all-time leader rankings for that player. For example, is should surprise nobody that Peyton Manning is the NFL’s all-time leader is passing attempts, completions, and yards among active players. How many of you, unless you read the same fact recently, knew that Kerry Collins was #2, all-time among active players? Number 3 (in passing yards) is Donnovan McNabb and McNabb is not likely to catch Colling this year, even if Collins does not play a single down. Actually, I could publish a Kerry Collins “did you know” fact every day for a month, but I digress.

Here are a few statistical facts that may make you go, “Hmmm…”


Kerry Collins is the NFL’s #11 all time leader in passing yards.

I promise not to make this a collection of Kerry Collins facts. But for a guy who has a career completion percentage well below 60% and has often, in several seasons, thrown more interceptions that touchdowns, it may surprise you to know that Collins is ahead of a lot of Hall of Fame QBs in career passing yards, likely to crack into the top 10 all time by passing Joe Montana this season.

It isn't so hard to forget that Kerry Collins led the Giants to the Super Bowl, is it? 1

Chad Pennington’s career passer rating is over 90, 12th all time in NFL history.

Pennington’s career efficiency rating is better than the likes of Hall of Fame quarterbacks Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Troy Aikman, and Warren Moon.

Perhaps the Dolphins wouldn't have had the tough years they had if Pennington could stay on the field.  2

Matt Schaub owns the record for the sixth-highest single season passing yardage total in NFL history.

This may not be a cardiac surprise. The Texans have had an explosive offensive attack in recent years. Still, when thinking of the greatest single season performances in the history of the NFL, Schaub’s name is not the first to come to my mind.

Schaub threw for 4,770 yards in 2009, leading the Texans to their first winning season in franchise history. For contrast, Peyton Manning, a virtually certain Hall-of-Famer, has no single season yardage totals in the top 10, all-time, though he does hold positions #11 (4,700 yards – 2010) and #19 (4,557 – 2004).

The Texans have had a number of problems holding them back in recent years, but the quarterback isn't one of them. 3

Thomas Jones, Clinton Portis, and Ricky Williams are all among the NFL’s top 30 all time leading rushers.

All three of these players have had good careers and been named to Pro Bowl teams. Still, that there are fewer than 30 men ever to play the running back position with more rushing yards is surprising to me. These three players have more career rushing yards than Hall of Fame running backs Earl Campbell, Jim Taylor, and Larry Czonka.

Ricky Williams is the biggest surprise to me in this group. Williams has an excellent chance to surpass the 10,000 career rushing yards plateau this season. Keep in mind that Williams has not been an every down, starting running back in 8 years and he missed the entire 2004 and 2006 seasons and, for all practical purposes, missed the entire 2007 season (played in one game).

However, of those three missed seasons, only the 2007 season was missed due to injury. Williams has also averaged over 4 yards per carry in his career. This means that when Williams did, in fact, play, he was healthy and efficient. The consistent performances have added up over time.

People can crack all of the jokes they want. Ricky Williams...Robert Parish...Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...Chris Simms...they all played much longer than they "should have". Coincidence? I think not! 4 

Derrick Mason is the NFL’s 12th all time leading receiver.

Sure, Mason has played for a long time and is a former Pro Bowler and All-Pro. Still, with 924 receptions, he is the NFL’s #12 all-time leading receiver and will likely crack the top 10 this year, barring injury. Mason is ahead of Hall of Famers Steve Largent, James Lofton, Michael Irvin, and Charlie Joiner for career receptions and should pass Art Monk and Andre Reed in 2011 if he has any significant playing time with the New York Jets.

Derrick Mason - This isn't a retro/throwback jersey. This is Mason when he played with the Oilers. Yes, he played when the Oilers still existed as a current NFL franchise. He's been around a L..O..N..G time! 5

Tight end Tony Gonzalez is the NFL’s 10th all time leader in receiving touchdowns.

Tony Gonzalez is a slam dunk to have a bust in Canton, Ohio after his playing days are over. However, for a tight end, as trailblazing and dominant as Gonzalez has been, it gives me pause for reflection, considering that his career total of 88 receiving touchdowns dwarfs Hall of Fame WIDE RECEIVERS such as Fred Beletnikoff, James Lofton, and Bob Hayes. The next closest tight end in career receiving touchdowns is Antonio Gates of the San Diego Chargers, with 69 scores. For contrast, newly inducted Hall of Fame tight end Shannon Sharp is #58 all time in receiving touchdowns, with 62.

I wonder how Gonzalez would have faired in basketball. 6

Don't forget to vote in the fan polls!


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