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Friday, December 6, 2013

Gary Kubiak's Obituary

Not surprisingly, Houton Texans owner Bob McNair gave Head Coach Gary Kubiak the ax today. Kubiak's firing has been often speculated during his eight yers as the Texans coach. The catastrophic 11 game losing streak made this termination inevitable. The team that had Super Bowl aspirations during training camp is now 2-11.


Gary Wayne Kubiak, born August 15, 1961, saw his Houston Texans Head Coaching tenure, established 2006, die on Friday, December 6, 2013. Kubiak succumbed to a hysterically Keystone Cops performance against the Jacksonville Jaguars in which he let the Texans and their fans get “Schaubed” one last time.

Kubiak was fiercely loyal to “Kub’s Kids” like Joe Marciano and Matt Schaub. So much that if children built a playhouse out of copies of Kubiak’s resume, their house would be made of mediocrity. Kubiak electrified the city with a scintillating 9-7 finish in 2009. After pushing the team to the edge of the cliff in 2010, Wade Phillips rode in on Daddy’s white horse, wearing a ten gallon hat, and saved the team and Kubiak’s job.

Perhaps Kubiak is part Native American. He gave Houston two consecutive AFC South Division championships and hosted two playoff games, wins against the Cincinnati Bengals (record holders for NFL playoff win futility). Then he Indian-gave the city, serving a steaming pile of crap for a 2013 season. The season started normally, with the Texans squeaking by in two games they should have won in a rout.

But those underachieving staples of the Kubiak regime became a pleasant memory as Matt Schaub single handedly gave away a win against the Seattle Seahawks, now the NFL’s best team. Fans called for Kubiak to take Matt Schaub and cut him. He wouldn’t. The Texans haven’t won a game since. Ironically, Schaub still has a job.

Kubiak’s remains will be cremated as only Matt Schaub was willing to volunteer as a pall bearer. In lieu of flowers, please send a coach with a clue.

Kubiak and Schaub --> going down with the ship.

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