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Monday, June 24, 2013

The Cleaner

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is in hot water. Hernandez has been at the center of a murder investigation involving the death of a 27 year old associate, semi-pro football player Odin Lloyd. Llyod was found shot to death in a field about a mile from Hernandez's suburban Boston home in a car rented by Hernandez.

Since this story broke last week, several sensational details regarding this case have been reported. Among other highly suspicious actions by Hernandez, he reportedly smashed his cell phone and hired a crew to clean his home the day after Lloyd was killed. Conflicting reports have circulated suggesting that the issue of an arrest warrant for Hernandez on obstruction of justice charges is imminent.


Still, there's no business like show business. The Daily Hat Trick has acquired the yet to be released script for an action movie trailer set to star Aaron Hernandez. His ability to make evidence go away has "Hollywood" written all over it (think "The Wolf" from Pulp Fiction). Aaron Hernandez is...The Cleaner!*

Aaron Hernandez as “The Cleaner”

(Dramatic music with human voices)

Dramatic movie trailer voice: During the fall…he’s a catcher.

Play-by-play announcer: Brady…looking…has Hernandez open downfield…TOUCHDOWN!!!

Catcher 1

Announcer: During the playoffs, he’s a closer.

Play-by-play: Another clutch reception by Hernandez and that should do it. The Patriots are heading to the AFC Championship Game!

Closer 2

Announcer: But in the offseason…he is…THE CLEANER!

Hernandez: What is this? A dead gangster depository? Get this fool out of my house man!

(Music shifts to action movie trailer music)

Hernandez: We need to burn the car, quick!


Accomplice: Shouldn’t we move the car out of your driveway first?

I thought you ditched the car before blowing it up. 4

Hernandez: Gimme your shirt. We need to tie his arms and legs together.

Accomplice: There’s a monogram on the cuffs!

Hernandez: Gimme that phone. We don’t want anyone to know where we’re going next.

(smashing, crunching sounds)

Accomplice: Dude, that’s HIS phone!

Hernandez's new end zone dance 5

Announcer: THE CLEANER! Because you need a butcher when you’ve got beef!

(Police sirens)

Accomplice: Holy shit! It’s the cops.

Hernandez: Get that car out of here. (sounds of kindling, fire burning)

I don't think he'll be referring his buddies to "The Cleaner". 6

Accomplice: You motherfucker!

Announcer: Coming this summer to a theater near you!

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* Fictitious movie trailer parody. For entertainment purposes only.

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