Vin Mazzaro: It Could Have Been Worse!

As I have said many days, sports are often a parallel of life. It is that parallel that compels many of us to watch. Often, the intense, spirited competition and superior athletic skill of our favorite players and teams keep us coming back to the tube and the box office. Every now and then, though, it is colossal incompetence, failure, and ineptitude that grabs our attention.

On Monday, May 16, Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Vin Mazzaro yielded 14 earned runs in just 2⅓ innings of work. Typically in Major League Baseball, when a pitcher is getting shelled, and that description is mild in light of what actually happened to Mazzaro, managers will typically replace that pitcher when it is clear that the wheels are coming off. Giving up 10 runs in the fourth inning, I am confident that reality was apparent to Royals manager Ned Yost at some point before the inning was over.

Is he disgusted, crying, or about to take a dump on the pitcher's mound? 1

Perhaps Yost wanted to give Mazzaro a chance to finish the inning. Perhaps Yost allowed Mazzaro to go back out in the 5th inning, in which he would surrender an additional four more runs, to give Mazzaro an opportunity to rebuild his confidence. Maybe Yost thought it was funny. Who knows?

In any case, every competitive contest has provisions for an outmatched participant to throw his hands up in surrender. Mazzaro was the Royals’ human shield in yesterday’s 19-1 annihilation at the hands of the American League leading Cleveland Indians. I cannot help but wonder what life would be like for Mazzaro if every aspect of his life went as badly as his outing on Monday.

Let’s take a look:

Ned Yost and Vin Mazzaro's newset fans.... 2

Going for a Sunday drive….

(sound of a siren)

Cop: License and registration, please.

Mazzarro: I’m sorry, officer. Did I do something wrong?

Cop: Yes. You were doing 38 in a 35.

Mazzaro: Oh…I’m…sorry?

Ned Yost: (to the cop) 38 in a 35? What a bunch of crap! Why don’t you go find some real criminals!

Cop: Hmm. “Real criminals”, huh? Mr. Mazzaro, today is the 1st, sir; your registration expired last month.

Mazzaro: I’ve been out of town a lot. I’m a baseball play-…

Cop: And your inspection sticker expired, too.

Mazzaro: (pounds his steering wheel) DAMNIT!

Cop: What was that?

Yost: What was THAT? What the hell is wrong with YOU? Didn’t you meet your stupid little quota so you can play cop for another month?

Cop: (smiles slightly) Mmm….

Mazzaro: Sorry, sir. This is just not my day.

Cop: No. I mean did you just punch your steering wheel? I didn’t hear anything.

Mazzaro: I didn’t mean any offense. I was just frust-…

Cop: Honk your horn, please.

Mazzaro: (horn fails to make a sound) I guess something is wrong.

Cop: I see. Sir, I’ll have to write you a ticket for that, too. You also have a broken taillight.

Yost: (to Mazzaro) Don’t take no crap from him, kid!

Mazzaro: Oh come on!!! This is ridiculous!!!

Cop: Are you resisting?

Mazzaro: Resisting?

Cop: Step out of the car please. (Slaps cuffs on Mazzaro…calls in to tow the car away.)

Yost: (yelling, as the cop hauls Mazzaro off) Vin, I’m afraid I’ll have to send you down to the minors so I can put someone in your spot before the game. Tough break, kid!

"Step out of the car please!" 3

Breaking up….

Girlfriend: Vin, you were late for our dinner last night.

Mazzaro: I’m sorry. Our plane was a little late.

Girlfriend: This isn’t as exciting as it used to be.

Mazzaro: You knew what it would be like dating a ballplayer. Listen, I was sent down to Omaha. I’ll need to move away for a few weeks until I can get my groove back.

Girlfriend: I think we should see other people.

Mazzaro: Why?

Girlfriend: I just can’t take the sneaking around, the cheating….

Mazzaro: I’ve never cheated on you.

Girlfriend: I know! That’s what makes this hard!

Mazzaro: With who?

Girlfriend: The neighbor.

Mazzaro: WHAT?

Girlfriend: And your uncle…your college roommate, the mailman, my old boss, my new boss. You mean you never noticed? Oh, and your boss….

Mazzaro: Ned Yost?

Girlfriend: Is that his name?

Mazzaro: WHY?

Girlfriend: The man is experienced! And equipped…. Oh and he said he’s sending you down to the minors so we can spend more time…

So, that's why he's smiling! 5

Mazzaro: I mean why are you sleeping with anyone with a pulse!!!???

Girlfriend: You spend too much time playing that game!

Mazzaro: It’s how I make a living!

Just like on the mound Monday, Vin didn't see the signs. 4

Boxing….

Announcer: Oh my! Vin Mazzaro is taking a beating. Why was he ever allowed into the ring with “Sugar” Shane Mosley? Mazzaro’s manager, Ned Yost, still won’t throw in the towel.

(bell rings, Mazzaro goes to his corner)

Mazzaro: Ned, I’m getting my head kicked in man. I didn’t land a single punch last round. I can’t see because my eyes are swollen shut, and I’m starting to choke on my own blood, a little.

Yost: (in the voice of “Mick” from the “Rocky” movies) ONE MORE ROUND!

Ned Yost resembles Mick, a little. 6

(starting bell rings)

Announcer: I can’t believe Yost let Mazzaro answer the bell! And it looks like Mosely is now doing punching bag practice drills on Mazzaro’s face! Oh the humanity!

Sugar Shane Mosley vs Vin Mazzaro: That's about what it would look like. 7

At Ned Yost’s house….

Yost: Do me a favor, Vin. You’re a strong, young guy. Would you go into the back yard and haul that case of batting equipment into the house? The delivery guy just left it there.

(Mazzaro agrees; a minute later, the sounds of barking dogs can be heard)

Yost: What’s going on out here?

Mazzaro: Skip, I think you forget to tell me about these three pit bulls. AHHHH! It bit my leg. ARRGH! And my hand. It bit...AHHH my ass! Your dogs bit my ass!

"Mazzaro Luck" 8

(dogs still barking, growling)

Yost: Wait! Hand me the box first. Don’t drop it!

Mazzaro: What about the dogs?

(dogs still attacking Mazzaro)

Yost: You can take it, kid. Just hand me the box.

Mazzaro: Here! (hands over the box)

Yost: (to the dogs) Alright! (whistles) Knock it off!

(dogs immediately become silent, stop biting Mazzaro)

Yost: You know, you should really be more careful around strange dogs, Vin. With an injury like, that, I’m gonna have to send you down to the minors!

Danny Duffy, formerly of the AAA Omaha Storm Chasers, may be Vin Mazzaro's biggest fan. Mazzaro joined the Storm Chasers on Tuesday. Duffy is scheduled to start for the Royals on Wednesday. 9

So remember, Hat Trick readers. No matter how bad of a day you had at work, today, very few of you had a day as bad as Vin Mazzaro had this past Monday. If you are Vin Mazzaro, at least the situations I described are figments of my imagination and didn’t really happen; much worse things could have happened to you.

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1) Image from ngngsports.com
2) Image from ESPN
3) Image from blippitt.com
4) image from over250k.com
5) Image from bleacherreport.com
6) Image from glensasscer.com
7) Image from boxing360.com
8) Image from mybrokenjaw.com
9) Image from kansascity.com