Toilet Bowl Playoffs - Chump-ionship Games and the 2010 Toilet Bowl

After two riveting rounds of gridiron action among the NFL's most incompetent, the Toilet Bowl playoffs are weeding out the mice from the men. The tournament is down to its final four teams. The conference's top two seeds, the Carolina Panthers and Arizona Cardinals, will play for the NFC Chump-ionship while the home field, so far, has been a disadvantage in the AFC, with the home teams going winless and the sixth seeded Houston Texans and the fourth seeded Tennessee Titans playing for that conference's chump-ionship.

Conference Chump-ionship Round

2010 NFC Chump-ionship Game - Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals

The NFC matchup between the Carolina Panthers and Arizona Cardinals comes as a surprise to very few. The Panthers have had great difficulty in just a few aspects of the game, specifically blocking, tackling, and passing, which have held them down in 2010. The Cardinals have had trouble running the ball. They do not try to run the ball. They have trouble making a first down. They cannot get their defense off of the field. They do not tackle well, and pass defense is not the Cards' strong suit. On top of all of that, their quarterback, Derek Anderson, has been compared to a laughing hyena.

Mercifully, for Cardinals fans, the bleeding would stop before their very eyes. Beanie Wells carried the ball 12 times for 79 yards and a score in the first half. The Panthers were unable to move the ball through the air, with Jimmy Clausen going 1 for 13 in the first half for 9 yards to Steve Smith, just before halftime. Smith threw the ball, hitting Clausen in the head after the reception, drawing an unsportsmanlike conduct call and killing what little hope remained in the Panther's drive before halftime. Running back Jonathan Stewart did have a 69 yard burst for a touchdown early in the game, leaving the Panthers only down by a field goal, 10-7, at the half.

It is good to feel pride, even if it is for one day. 2

The second half was another matter. Derek Anderson had all of the day and half of the night to throw the football as the already hapless Panthers pass rush, apparently, rushed out of the building and vanished. Anderson finished the game with 307 yards on 17 of 25 passing, 3 touchdowns and no interceptions, connecting with receiver Larry Fitzgerald 12 times for 181 yards and all three scores. Jimmy Clausen was removed at halftime after suffering a mild concussion when Smith hummed the ball at Clausen's head. Matt Moore was no "Moore" effective than Clausen, going 8 for 21 for 76 yards and 3 interceptions. The Panthers continue their comical advance through the postseason and on their way to the Toilet Bowl!

Cardinals 34 Panthers 7 FINAL


2010 AFC Chump-ionship Game - Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans

Titans owner Bud Adams returns to familiar surroundings in Houston and he brings his Tennnessee Titans, who were the Houston Oilers from 1960 until 1996, back to Houston for a date with destiny. The Texans, fresh off of another shockingly foolish loss, in the divisional round to the Denver Broncos, play yet another game in front of their fans to show that they in fact have some backbone. The game also reportedly sold out so that fans could give Adams, who moved the team from Houston, a piece of their minds. Adams, who watched from the sidelines in a Popemobile-like vehicle with a bulletproof glass cover, was unfazed.

The Titans jumped to an early lead and they mixed up the pass and run. Titans quarterback Kerry Collins (19-32, 238 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT) was the pillar of sobriety in the week leading up to the game saying, "We ain't going out like that." The lack of a Texans pass rush, after triple-teaming Texans defensive end Mario Williams on nearly every play, did not hurt Collins efforts. Chris Johnson was unstoppable, going for 198 yards and 2 touchdowns on the day.

Andre Johnson: "For $16 million per year, I can live with these nincompoops."

Texans coach Gary Kubiak could be heard screaming, "FIRE (defensive coordinator) FRANK BUSH!" in the locker room several times at halftime. A staffer reminded Kubiak that Bush had already been fired. The Texans, who had made several impressive second half comebacks, most of which were foiled at the end of the game, could not muster any second half magic. Matt Schaub was not bad, but not great, going 35 of 58 for 315 yards, but only 2 touchdowns and 3 interceptions. 2010 NFL rushing champion Arian Foster could not get his touches, running for just 65 yards, as the Texans trailed throughout. The fans came hoping to see no more Texans after this week, but would get to feast their eyes on the pride of H-Town one more time as the Texans advanced to the Toilet Bowl!!!

Titans 37 Texans 23 FINAL

The 2010 Toilet Bowl from Charlotte, North Carolina

The Carolina Panthers vs The Houston Texans

Like the conclusion of the NFL playoffs, the Toilet Bowl playoffs were scheduled to conclude at a neutral site. Each year, the team with the worst regular season record is the host city for the Toilet Bowl. However, like the Super Bowl, there is always a possibility that the host city's team could advance to the final event. Due to the Panthers ineptitude, they became the latest, though not the first, team to host a Toilet Bowl in its own stadium. Due to seedings, the Texans, technically, were the home team, meaning they had to furnish the balls, pay the officials, and would not get to call the coin toss in the air. The slaps in the face from fate just continued to pile up on poor Toro the Bull.

The Panthers hung tough early on, scoring field goals on their first three possessions from the reliable John Kasay, possibly the only reliable player other than Steve Smith on the Panthers' roster (and the only remaining member of the inaugural Pathers team from 1995). Then the Texans got hot in the second quarter. Texans wideouts Jacoby Jones and Andre Johnson combined for over 250 yards and 5 touchdowns in the second quarter alone, giving the Texans a huge 37-9 lead. The Texans were able to pound the ball in the second half. Arian Foster finished with 120 yards and a score, salvaging a scrap of dignity and pride from the Texans disappointing season by pummeling an opponent that nobody but nobody should brag about beating.

The Carolina Panthers hoisted the Mr. Whipple Charmin Throphy to a smattering of boos, tomatoes, and rotten eggs. To the victor went the spoils...spoiled produce. The Panthers are on the clock!

Texans 54 Panthers 12 FINAL

Congratulations to the 2010 Toilet Bowl Champion Carolina Panthers!!!!!! 

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The Toilet Bowl Playoffs, rounds 1 & 2 - 2010 Season

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The 2010 NFL playoffs have given football fans as much theater and top flight athletic competition as anyone could possibly expect. Twelve teams entered the NFL's post season and now there are four remaining. Talking heads and writers have had plenty to talk and write about.

Mitsubishi WD-60638 60-Inch 1080p 3D-Ready DLP HDTV

Here at The Daily Hat Trick, however, complete and comprehensive coverage of the NFL is a core value. There are 32 teams in the NFL! Sure, we all want to know who is truly the best. But who is truly the WORST? Just like regular season records do not tell the entire story about the best team, as both the top seeds in the NFC and AFC have been eliminated and the sixth seeds in both conferences are a win away from advancing to the Super Bowl, the records also do not necessarily tell us who the truly worst team is.

Because I am so dedicated to you, the reader, I have gone through great pains to borrow the DeLorean from Back to The Future, fired up the Flux Capacitor, and traveled into an alternate timeline to see the Toilet Bowl playoffs. I witnessed the following:

The seedings in the NFC are as follows:

1) Carolina Panthers
2) Arizona Cardinals
3) Washington Redskins
4) Minnesota Vikings
5) San Francisco 49ers
6) Detroit Lions


...and the AFC:

1) Denver Broncos
2) Cincinnati Bengals
3) Buffalo Bills
4) Tennessee Titans
5) Cleveland Browns
6) Houston Texans


2010 Toilet Bowl Playoffs - Wild Card Round

NFC

Washington Redskins at Detroit Lions

"But wait. You just said the Redskins were the 3 seed and the Lions were a 6." Correct. The Redskins were so lousy in the regular season, that they earned road team disadvantage. The mission of any proud group of competitive professional athletes is to WIN. None of these guys want to take home the "Mr. Whipple Charmin Trophy". So the Redskins are not going to be rewarded for putrid play with any help in playoff scheduling.

The Lions have made the Toilet Bowl postseason for the fourth consecutive year, but there may be a changing of the guard in the NFC. With the development of Lions quarterback Matt Stafford, the steady excellence (and patience) of wide receiver Calvin Johnson, and the stellar play of rookie superfreak defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, I personally expect the Lions to be in the running for the real NFL playoffs next December.

The Redskins...pee-youuuu! They just stink and are not picking up. They do not suffer from a lack of talent, but dysfunctional leadership from top to bottom. Redskins coach Mike Shanahan continued to bench quarterback Donovan McNabb, citing the need to bring home SOME kind of hardware from the 2010 season.

The Redskins make progress on that goal. Redskins quarterback Rex Grossman goes 8-31, 51 yards, one touchdown on a screen pass to running back Keiland Williams in the final two minutes, and four interceptions, posting a passing efficiency rating that would make an impressive grade point average.

Lions 34 Redskins 6 - FINAL

San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings

After several days of suspense, Brett Favre shows up in his helmet and pads for this first round playoff matchup. The Metrodome officials chose to remove the fabric of the roof, giving the game the harsh feel of the bitter cold. Just after kickoff (and the realization that Favre was still in the NFL, for now), more former New York Jets female employees added their names to the class action sexual harassment lawsuit against Favre and the Jets. Jenn Sterger was on hand to see if Favre would collect his winner's share, enriching the potential award from a lawsuit judgment.

Hey y'all. Watch THIS! 2

The 49ers elected to "shake it up" and start Alex Smith instead of Troy Smith at quarterback. Niners running back Frank Gore ran for 121 yards and two touchdowns in the first half. Unfortunately for the Niners, Brett Favre caught a little bit of that Ol' Gunslinger magic and threw five TDs in the first half, forcing the Niners to pass for the remainder of the game and keeping the ball out of Gore's hands.

Vikings 48 49ers 20 FINAL

AFC

Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans

The Buffalo Bills salvage a few scraps of dignity for their season. After going up 27-3, the Texans stage a furious rally in the second half and tie the score on a pass from Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson in the final seconds of regulation. Unfortunately, the Bills won the toss, putting the Texans on defense to start overtime. With the new overtime playoff rules, the Texans would still have hope if they could simply keep the Bills out of the end zone on the opening possession. Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Bills heaves a bomb to Steve Johnson, who does not let this one slip through his breadbasket and he trots, untouched into the end zone.

Bills 33 Texans 27 Final/OT

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns

Cleveland had a running game fall into its lap in the form of Peyton "The White Rhino" Hillis. The Titans experienced their fair share of turmoil, losing their quarterback, Vince Young, to injury and then permanently losing him to irreconcilable differences with Head Coach Jeff Fisher. Titans quarterback Kerry Collins was benched because he was arrested for DUI...about an hour before kickoff. Collins was reinserted into the lineup in the second quarter, thanks, in part, to speedy work by a local bail bondsman who owed Coach Fisher a favor. It is to no avail as The White Rhino bulldozes the Titans for 91 yards and two touchdowns and Collins throws three interceptions and hands the ball off to a Browns defensive tackle.

Browns 24 Titans 11 FINAL


2010 Toilet Bowl Playoffs - Divisional Round

NFC

Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins

In one of the ugliest games of the Toilet Bowl postseason, riddled by turnovers, the Redskins and Cardinals were scoreless in the fourth quarter. Redskins coach Mike Shanahan cleverly arranges a flyover banner at FedEx Field with the latest knock-knock joke as Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson attempted to lead a drive in the final minutes. Anderson bursts into stitches laughing and his pass intended for a wide open Larry Fitzgerald slips out of his hand into the arms of Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall. Hall begins taking it to the house. Anderson had the angle on Hall, but another burst of uncontrollable chuckling brings Anderson to the ground, gripping his sides.

Redskins 7 Cardinals 0 FINAL

Every man has a vice. "Laughter" is certainly better than "gambling" for an NFL QB. 3

Carolina Panthers at San Francisco 49ers

This is the big event that absolutely nobody wanted to see. The top seeded Panthers brought their ineptitude to Candlestick Park. Frank Gore takes out an entire season of frustration on the hapless Panthers, with 248 yards and 5 touchdowns. Panthers quarterback Jimmy Clausen calls an audible that resulted in a sack, fumble recovery, and subsequent housing of that recovery by 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis.

This would be forgivable if Clausen's audible were not from his playbook at Notre Dame. After having reminded Clausen that he is no longer at Notre Dame once already, Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith was ejected after removing another player's helmet and pummeling him in frustration. Even more unfortunately, the player was Clausen.

49ers 51 Panthers 0 FINAL

AFC

Denver Broncos at Houston Texans

Tim Tebow continued his dominance of the Texans defense with over 400 yards passing and 43 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns on 7 attempts. The Texans kept pace behind a clinic put on by QB Matt Schaub (39-51, 511 yards, 3 TD) and WR Andre Johnson (16 receptions, 201 yards, 2 TD) and took a late 25-20 lead with 41 seconds remaining.

Quin: I've got this, today, y'all! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME! 4

Tebow was able to get the Broncos down to the Texans 39 yard line and burned his final timeout with 4 seconds remaining. Tebow put up a Hail Mary pass to receiver Eddie Royal. In part because of his VIP status with The Big Guy, his prayer was answered. Glover Quin of the Texans falls to the ground as he intercepts Tebow's pass in the end zone, but was untouched. As Quin leaps in celebration and flips the ball backwards in Royal's face, Royal looks at the official, shrugs his shoulders, picks the live ball up off of ground and...TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS!!!

Broncos 27 Texans 25 FINAL


Shame on ya! 5

 Cincinnati Bengals at Tennessee Titans

The Bengals had a bad season, but had good talent combined with bad breaks and mediocre execution. The Titans had good talent, but were completely dysfunctional. The Bengals pull everything together as receiver Terrell Ownes has his best game of the season, with 10 catches for 154 yards and two touchdowns. Kerry Collins, equipped with Alka-Seltzer for headaches, had an admirable performance (12-20, 191 yards 1 TD, 1 INT) and Randy Moss had one incredible reception in which he leaped in the air and over two Bengals defenders in the end zone for a touchdown. Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco could only look in disbelief and say, "CHILD PLEASE!"

Child please! 6

Unfortunately, Titans running back Chris Johnson pulled a hamstring earlier in the week while training for his foot race with Usain Bolt this spring and was unavailable. With no ground game, the Titans were ultimately grounded. In spite of efforts to reacquire running back LenDale White, White informed the Titans that he'd prefer to start his offseason now so he could pound more tequila shots to prepare for the 2011 season.

Bengals 27 Titans 10 FINAL

Coming later this week: The 2010 NFC and AFC Chump-ionship Games and the 2010 Toilet Bowl!!!

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