Toilet Bowl Playoffs - Chump-ionship Games and the 2010 Toilet Bowl

After two riveting rounds of gridiron action among the NFL's most incompetent, the Toilet Bowl playoffs are weeding out the mice from the men. The tournament is down to its final four teams. The conference's top two seeds, the Carolina Panthers and Arizona Cardinals, will play for the NFC Chump-ionship while the home field, so far, has been a disadvantage in the AFC, with the home teams going winless and the sixth seeded Houston Texans and the fourth seeded Tennessee Titans playing for that conference's chump-ionship.

Conference Chump-ionship Round

2010 NFC Chump-ionship Game - Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals

The NFC matchup between the Carolina Panthers and Arizona Cardinals comes as a surprise to very few. The Panthers have had great difficulty in just a few aspects of the game, specifically blocking, tackling, and passing, which have held them down in 2010. The Cardinals have had trouble running the ball. They do not try to run the ball. They have trouble making a first down. They cannot get their defense off of the field. They do not tackle well, and pass defense is not the Cards' strong suit. On top of all of that, their quarterback, Derek Anderson, has been compared to a laughing hyena.

Mercifully, for Cardinals fans, the bleeding would stop before their very eyes. Beanie Wells carried the ball 12 times for 79 yards and a score in the first half. The Panthers were unable to move the ball through the air, with Jimmy Clausen going 1 for 13 in the first half for 9 yards to Steve Smith, just before halftime. Smith threw the ball, hitting Clausen in the head after the reception, drawing an unsportsmanlike conduct call and killing what little hope remained in the Panther's drive before halftime. Running back Jonathan Stewart did have a 69 yard burst for a touchdown early in the game, leaving the Panthers only down by a field goal, 10-7, at the half.

It is good to feel pride, even if it is for one day. 2

The second half was another matter. Derek Anderson had all of the day and half of the night to throw the football as the already hapless Panthers pass rush, apparently, rushed out of the building and vanished. Anderson finished the game with 307 yards on 17 of 25 passing, 3 touchdowns and no interceptions, connecting with receiver Larry Fitzgerald 12 times for 181 yards and all three scores. Jimmy Clausen was removed at halftime after suffering a mild concussion when Smith hummed the ball at Clausen's head. Matt Moore was no "Moore" effective than Clausen, going 8 for 21 for 76 yards and 3 interceptions. The Panthers continue their comical advance through the postseason and on their way to the Toilet Bowl!

Cardinals 34 Panthers 7 FINAL


2010 AFC Chump-ionship Game - Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans

Titans owner Bud Adams returns to familiar surroundings in Houston and he brings his Tennnessee Titans, who were the Houston Oilers from 1960 until 1996, back to Houston for a date with destiny. The Texans, fresh off of another shockingly foolish loss, in the divisional round to the Denver Broncos, play yet another game in front of their fans to show that they in fact have some backbone. The game also reportedly sold out so that fans could give Adams, who moved the team from Houston, a piece of their minds. Adams, who watched from the sidelines in a Popemobile-like vehicle with a bulletproof glass cover, was unfazed.

The Titans jumped to an early lead and they mixed up the pass and run. Titans quarterback Kerry Collins (19-32, 238 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT) was the pillar of sobriety in the week leading up to the game saying, "We ain't going out like that." The lack of a Texans pass rush, after triple-teaming Texans defensive end Mario Williams on nearly every play, did not hurt Collins efforts. Chris Johnson was unstoppable, going for 198 yards and 2 touchdowns on the day.

Andre Johnson: "For $16 million per year, I can live with these nincompoops."

Texans coach Gary Kubiak could be heard screaming, "FIRE (defensive coordinator) FRANK BUSH!" in the locker room several times at halftime. A staffer reminded Kubiak that Bush had already been fired. The Texans, who had made several impressive second half comebacks, most of which were foiled at the end of the game, could not muster any second half magic. Matt Schaub was not bad, but not great, going 35 of 58 for 315 yards, but only 2 touchdowns and 3 interceptions. 2010 NFL rushing champion Arian Foster could not get his touches, running for just 65 yards, as the Texans trailed throughout. The fans came hoping to see no more Texans after this week, but would get to feast their eyes on the pride of H-Town one more time as the Texans advanced to the Toilet Bowl!!!

Titans 37 Texans 23 FINAL

The 2010 Toilet Bowl from Charlotte, North Carolina

The Carolina Panthers vs The Houston Texans

Like the conclusion of the NFL playoffs, the Toilet Bowl playoffs were scheduled to conclude at a neutral site. Each year, the team with the worst regular season record is the host city for the Toilet Bowl. However, like the Super Bowl, there is always a possibility that the host city's team could advance to the final event. Due to the Panthers ineptitude, they became the latest, though not the first, team to host a Toilet Bowl in its own stadium. Due to seedings, the Texans, technically, were the home team, meaning they had to furnish the balls, pay the officials, and would not get to call the coin toss in the air. The slaps in the face from fate just continued to pile up on poor Toro the Bull.

The Panthers hung tough early on, scoring field goals on their first three possessions from the reliable John Kasay, possibly the only reliable player other than Steve Smith on the Panthers' roster (and the only remaining member of the inaugural Pathers team from 1995). Then the Texans got hot in the second quarter. Texans wideouts Jacoby Jones and Andre Johnson combined for over 250 yards and 5 touchdowns in the second quarter alone, giving the Texans a huge 37-9 lead. The Texans were able to pound the ball in the second half. Arian Foster finished with 120 yards and a score, salvaging a scrap of dignity and pride from the Texans disappointing season by pummeling an opponent that nobody but nobody should brag about beating.

The Carolina Panthers hoisted the Mr. Whipple Charmin Throphy to a smattering of boos, tomatoes, and rotten eggs. To the victor went the spoils...spoiled produce. The Panthers are on the clock!

Texans 54 Panthers 12 FINAL

Congratulations to the 2010 Toilet Bowl Champion Carolina Panthers!!!!!! 

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1) Image from artisticawards.com

2) Image from chuckandvince.com

3) Image from fantasyfootballcafe.com