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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Ed Reed's Houston Texans Obituary

The Houston Texans release future Hall-of-Fame safety Ed Reed. Reed was the Texans' marquis free agent this past offseason, but never panned out in large part due to lingering health issues. Reed earned $5 million in guaranteed money from the Texans, though he only played in seven games in 2013. 

Ed Reed Obituary

The Houston Texans tenure of Edward Earl Reed, Jr. died on the afternoon of Tuesday, November 12, 2013, aged seven-and-a-half months. The brain child of Texans owner Bob McNair and GM Rick Smith, Reed’s comic-tragic stay in Houston included several highlights, none of which were on the field.

After hosts of planes, trains, and automobiles descended upon Mr. Reed’s home this past winter, Mr. Reed celebrated a post-Super Bowl championship prize. Messers McNair and Smith partook in that recent NFL trend of making it rain, dropping $5.5 million of cold hard cash on Mr. Reed. In exchange, Mr. Reed delivered 16 tackles, no interceptions, and a backing-over of the coaching staff with the bus in seven games during the 2013 season, all of which the Texans lost.

Mr. Reed’s career is survived by a crater in the 2014 Texans’ salary cap, a soiled reputation of an otherwise Hall of Fame career, doctors who overlooked the hip needing surgery on the x-rays and MRIs, trainers who turned a blind eye to the 5.9 40-yard dash, citing a super Bowl hangover, and a bitterly disappointed fan base already waiting for next year. Reed’s career succumbed to its own incompetence following comments that the Texans were outplayed and outcoached. Ironically, the Texans were outplayed and outcoached in their loss to the Arizona Cardinals.

Pall bearers will include Andre Johnson, Mr. Smith and Mr. McNair. They’re left holding the bag, they may as well hold the casket. In lieu of Ave Maria, Eddie Money’s “Two Tickets to Paradise” will be sung at the memorial services, though Texans fans would rather forget as soon as possible. Eulogies will be by Mr. Reed’s agent and personal investment banker, who couldn’t believe the easy money that fell into their laps.  

Bob McNair should have consulted Captain Hindsight.
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Thanks to Josh Innes of Sportsradio 610 KILT Houston, TX for creative inspiration. Any use of this work by KILT is with the permission of The Daily Hat Trick 

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