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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Bill Belichick Tells All

The New England Patriots announced that Head Coach Bill Belichick would address the media for the first time since news of the Aaron Hernandez murder investigation broke. The Patriots announced that the presser is scheduled for 1:45 Eastern Daylight Time. However, in keeping with The Patriot Way, the Pats had a secret, invite-only press conference with a handful of long time beat reporters. The Patriots begin training camp tomorrow and can ill-afford any controversy from sports writers asking questions and publishing stories.

The Daily Hat Trick has its own sources. We have once again jumped the route and intercepted a transcrpit of the press conference before the general public. Belichick is a mater of few words...very few. Now we're sharing it with you. Another reward for your loyal Hat Trick readership...!


Belichick: Thanks for coming out everyone. I couldn’t wait to see you guys this year. We’ve got camp tomorrow so, let’s get this over with. Whatcha got for me, Bob?

Reporter Bob: Coach, your team has endured an unusually tough offseason. Can you tell us what that has been like?

Belichick: Well we were disappointed to miss the Super Bowl, but Baltimore was just better than we were. But we had a good draft, good mini-camp, and we’re gonna be focused on winning a Super Bowl when training camp starts tomorrow. Phil?

Reporter Phil: I think Bob was asking about the whole situation with Aaron.

Belichick: We have high expectations for Aaron Dobson. That’s why we drafted him. We think he can step up and fill the void left when Wes Welker went away. Steve?

Reporter Steve: Coach, I’d like to come back to that later but….

Belichick: No need to….

Does anyone think the press was there to ask about rookie wide receiver Aaron Dobson? 1
Reporter Steve: Uh…I think we’d like to know if the situation with Aaron Hernandez has affected the team.

Belichick: Yes.

Reporter Steve: How?

Belichick: That’s not important. Bob?

Reporter Bob (incredulously): You don’t think that the situation of your Pro Bowl tight end being charged with first degree murder is important?

Belichick: Rob Gronkowski is coming back, hopefully a few weeks into the season; I’m not aware of him having any legal troubles.

Reporter Bob: I meant Hernandez.

Belichick: He doesn’t factor into our plans for next year. Linda?

Reporter Linda: Let me ask this another way. Suppose Tom Brady had been accused of a very serious crime and was not going to play this year. How would you talk your team? How would you feel? And how would that change your relationship with him?

Belichick: I dunno. Can’t really get into that. Depends on what he did, I guess.

Reporter Linda (becoming agitated): Sexual assault! For instance….

Belichick: I don’t think you’re his type, Linda.

Reporters in unison: Ohhhh!

Belichick: I think he’d be more worried about Gisele than me. Phil?

(Reporters laugh out loud in unison)  

Tom knows, off top, that he's not getting in Gisele Bundchen's dog house over some Roethlisberger type nonsense. 2

Reporter Phil: Have you spoken with Aaron Hernandez?

Belichick: We don’t take collect calls.

Reporter Phil: Is there anything you would like to ask him or say to him?

Belichick: Don’t drop the soap.

Don't drop the soap! 3
Reporter Linda: Have you addressed your team about the Aaron Hernandez arrest?

Belichick: Not gonna talk about that right now, just football. We need to focus on getting the players on this team ready.

Reporter Steve: How is Hernandez’s absence going to change your game plan?

Belichick: We’re just going to prepare…compete.

Reporter Bob: Is Tim Tebow going to have some reps at tight end now?

Belichick: He’s a quarterback.  

Reporter Phil: How will Tebow fit into the offense this year?

Belichick: We’ll see. Last question.

Reporter Linda: Is Tim Tebow still a virgin, Coach?

Belichick: Probably. Thanks guys. That’s all.

Virgin? Probably not! Kind of odd that Tim Tebow is way down on the list of things to talk about during training camp, isn't it? 4

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*The preceding press conference is fictitious and intended for entertainment purposes only.

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