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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

NFL Banned Substance List in 2013

Of the many stories that circulated in the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLVII reports alleging that retiring Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis used deer antler spray to quickly recover from a torn triceps muscle evolved into a mini PED scandal. If you are like me, you watch a lot of sports and pay attention to a lot of sports stories, even the minor ones. I had no idea that deer antler spray had any beneficial use in sports medicine.

While this post is purely for entertainment purposes, this got me to thinking that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell might expand the league's banned substance list before next season. Here are some possible PED related headlines we may see next season: 

Antonio Cromartie Tests Positive for Bee Pollen

Bee pollen has been speculated to boost multiple body functions, including reproductive activity. Cromartie is the father of ten children. I knew he had some outside help!

The boy bee would probably like to try some of Cromartie's pollen, given the results. 1

Adrian Peterson’s 2,000 Yard Rushing Season Vacated; Peterson Linked to Shark Cartilage Sale

Shark cartilage use has been linked to relief of knee pain. "All Day" Peterson’s rapid rehabilitation and recovery from surgery to repair a torn ACL was thought to be a modern miracle of sports medicine. However, shark cartilage, like everything not in the four basic food groups, is a banned substance according to the NFL.

He might have to change his nickname to "All Night". 2
Ricky Williams’ Comeback from Retirement Shelved Due to a Positive Test for Frog Epididymis

Ricky Williams retired from the NFL for the first time in 2004 in part because he wanted to travel to Asia and partake in the hippie lettuce without any effect on his professional life. The “special skin” on a frog, when dried and smoked, is rumored to have hallucinogenic effects. While it wouldn’t be the first time someone called Ricky Williams a “dick smoker” (following the picture he took for the ESPN magazine cover in a wedding dress), this time it is literally true. It’s also forbidden by the NFL.

Don't criticize...legalize! 3
Brain Cushing Banned from the NFL for One Year, Tests Positive for Elk Urine

Cushing has been busted once by the NFL for PEDs. Female urine is speculated to mask elevated testosterone levels, an indicator of steroid use. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was not born yesterday. The NFL also bans masking agents, including nature's “lemonade” from the great outdoors.

This gives a new meaning to "getting down and dirty". 4
Roger Goodell Tests Positive for Excess Primate Rectal Composition

In keeping with the personal conduct code, Goodell has taken a number of steps to rid the league of assholes. Responsible for the Draconian Bountygate sanctions imposed on the New Orleans Saints in 2012, effectively costing them their season, Goodell’s chemical composition tested positive for excessive rectal tissue. He issued himself full immunity.   


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