What if Everyone Received the Dez Bryant Treatment?

"We don't like yerr kind 'round here, MISTER COWBOY!" 1

Many of you may have heard that Dez Bryant was escorted from an upscale Dallas area mall earlier this week. Allegedly, Bryant was wearing sagging pants. Bryant claims that he was not the person addressed and that someone in his group had the sagging pants and the whole situation was a misunderstanding. Personally, I find it amusing and sad, at the same time, that this is considered news, reported by major outlets such as ESPN.

To Bryant’s credit, he appears to have made every effort to let this incident go quietly, downplaying what happened as much as possible. Anyone claiming to have read about this story and insists the words “racial profiling” did not at least pop into his head, in some form or fashion (good, bad, right, or wrong), is either naïve, attempting to whitewash the story, or fooling himself. Neither Bryant nor his associates have raised this issue publicly, which should help douse the flames of this story more quickly.

I have no idea what happened. I was not there. I think it is ridiculous that anyone, otherwise minding his business and in compliance with the law, in a public mall is so much as approached, let alone ejected, because of how he chooses to wear his pants. I do not buy the argument about being able to see slightly below the waistband of a person's boxer shorts being cause for ejection. I doubt that there was a diagram with guidance on how to dress posted at all of the mall’s entrances.

My gut feeling is that a mall cop, with low self esteem (which is understandable, given the occupation – if you are a mall cop, I am not talking about you) saw a standout wide receiver, on the verge of becoming a star, for the Dallas Cowboys and saw an opportunity to put a high profile notch under his hand-me-down belt. Smaller scale harassment happens every day with mall security personnel everywhere in America. If I were Bryant, I would take my millions elsewhere in the future.

Still, it begs the question. What if we all received the Dez Bryant treatment everywhere we went? Many of us think that we would love the spoils of wealth and celebrity, but what happened to Bryant is an example of the trade off that wealthy famous people experience as a result of their success. By NO means am I playing a violin for Bryant. He appears to be relatively unfazed by this incident. I am simply pointing out how guys like him, usually for better but sometimes for worse, live in a different world than we do.

Joe Jonas: "Dude! I PAID for that purity ring!" 2

Walking into a Washington, D.C. area bar….

You: Hi. Can I get a light beer?

Bartender: Do you want more taste or less taste, MISTER COWBOY?

You: Um, okay…. It doesn’t matter. Just give me a light beer.

Bartender: Tell you what, take of those hefty bag pants, next time and I’ll get you a Miller Lite, MISTER COWBOY!

Patron: (in the background and getting closer) WE DON’T LIKE YERR KIND ‘ROUND HERE! (breaks bottle over your head; hi-fives the bartender)

Bouncer: Sorry, sir. But your baggy pants are causing too much trouble. I’ll need to ask you to leave.

You can receive celebrity pampering, just like Dez. 3

Walking through airport security….

TSA guy #1: Well lookie who’s in line. It’s that hot shot Cowboys player! Look at him! Taking pictures with hot chicks…signing autographs. He thinks he’s better than everyone. Just who does he think he is?

TSA guy #2: A famous football player?

TSA guy #1: Yeah, well he needs to learn a little respect! I’ma show him who’s in charge at my airport.

TSA guy #2: You just started work on Wednesday.

If you think your job sucks.... 4

You: Good morning, fellas. How are y’all doing today?

TSA guy #1: “Fellas”? “Y’all”? You’d think this guy knew us the way he’s talkin’ here. Let’s just see your boarding pass.

You: Oh, I’m sorry. How should I address you?

TSA guy #1: We’ll ask all the questions. Now I’m afraid I can’t let you through. Your pants are a little saggy and, since 9/11, we can’t have none of that. It’s too easy to sneak in a box cutter or a nine millimeter or some kinda weapon.

You: I’m wearing a suit!

TSA guy #1: Yeah well I ain’t never had no suit just hanging off of me like that.

TSA guy #2: You don’t own a suit.

TSA guy #1: (to the other TSA agent) SHUT UP! (back to you) I’m afraid we’re gonna have to ask you to leave.

I don't THINK SO! The TSA don't play that! 5

You: My flight leaves in an hour!

TSA guy #1: He’s resisting. (mace sprays; you get rapped with the Nancy Karrigan baton, repeatedly)

You: OUCH! Why? WHY? Ow! WHY??!!

(At the 2:00 mark) "WHY! WHY! Oh-ho-ho WHYYYY???"

At an upscale restaurant in Philadelphia….

You: Hi. I have reservations for one.

Maître d’: Good evening, (pause, sigh) sir. Name?

You: (slips maître d’ a $20 bill) I am trying to keep a low profile. I made the reservation under “Smith”.

Maître d’: Your name is not “Smith”.

You: Yes, but…(interrupted)

Maître d’: Sir! We are a fine dining establishment, not “Nappy Cuts” from Barbershop 2. We cannot tolerate high school games like aliases. And, sir, your pants are sagging.

You: My Wrinkle Free Dockers?

Maître d’: This is a four star restaurant, not a “scrip” club. I am going to have to cancel your reservation, Mr. SMITH, and ask you to leave.

You: What the @#&*???

"A BILL??? I haven't EATEN yet!!!" 6

So remember, ladies and gentlemen. Celebrity is not always all it is cracked up to be. As long as there are people who cannot hate the game and have to hate the player, there will always be incidents like Bryant’s in the news. I hope that MISTER COWBOY is more careful about keeping a low profile in the future. There are very few people with his level of skill, celebrity, and wealth, but I would wager that there are millions of people that resent him for it.

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2) Image from novelasymas.com
3) Image from thesharkguys.com
4) Image from junkgrabber.com
5) Image from cbsnews.com
6) Image from daylife.com
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