Interview With a Football God

The Daily Hat Trick gets the inside scoop for you, the valued readers, on all things sports. The Hat Trick was granted an exclusive interview with one the the football gods. I will not discuss what we had to go through to get this difficult access to one of the puppeteers of America's modern pastime. Just hope there were no cameras running or microphones on....

Football god Number Fifteen 4

Anywho, the Houston Texans have had more hard knocks in the 2010 season than, possibly, any other team. Yes, the Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, and Buffalo Bills have had some difficult losses, but the Bengals failed to meet high expectations while the Browns exceeded low expectations and the Bills met them. The Texans were expected to challenge the Colts for the AFC South title, began the season appearing to be up for the challenge, and, were it not for some of the most bizarre combinations of circumstances, might still be challenging (if not successful).

The Daily Hat Trick had a conversation with football god Number Fifteen after yesterday's last minute loss to the lowly Denver Broncos, with Tim Tebow having a breakout performance in his second start, ever.

The Daily Hat Trick: Football god Number Fifteen, I think the question on everyone's mind is just why do these unfortunate things keep happening to the Texans. Was Gary Kubiak a sinner? Has he made the football gods angry?

Football god: No. We have bestowed many blessings upon Kubiak, particularly from god Number Eight. He had no size, or speed, and frankly, no exceptional talent, yet he played in the NFL, behind John Elway, possibly the greatest QB we ever endowed, for many years.

Gary also was granted the blessing of two more years of employment, last year, during a difficult economy, in spite of his pattern of ineffectiveness and the incompetence of (Texans defensive coordinator) Frank Bush. Number Eight also blessed him with Matt Schaub.

DHT: Well, Number 15, can you help me see the light on the merciless embarrassment the Texans suffered at the hands of the pitiful Broncos?

FG15: Tim Tebow was starting today.

DHT: Of course. And Tebow's clean living pleased you and made him worthy of your blessing?

FG15: That...and Tim is starting on my fantasy team this week. I work in many ways. I hear the prayers of many Texans fans. I have hundreds of prayers, daily, for the Texans to fire Frank Bush. In smiting the Texans feeble pass defense, I have blessed many: Broncos fans, Texans fans, and Tim Tebow...and my fantasy team.

Tim Tebow: he's going to get all of the breaks from above. 2

DHT: Let me ask you, one-five, were the walk off losses to the Jaguars on the Hail Mary and the pick six in overtime to the Ravens in front of the entire country part of your plan?

FG15: Football god...don't call me "one-five"...football god Number Zero decides whether or not the answer Hail Mary prayers, and Jack Del Rio said his prayers before the play.

DHT: Number Zero?

FG15: He's a virgin, like Mary. And we made him Number Zero because...

DHT: ....O-KAAAAY! How about the pick six?

FG15: Matt Schaub missed his hot read.

DHT: Of course. Football god, it appears that Broncos fans can look forward to milk and honey flowing in the Mile High City for many years.

FG15: I had to make up for putting Brandon Marshall there.

Josh: Can Texans fans hope for similar fortunes?

FG15: No. We gods have provided the Texans with all they need: a Pro-Bowl quarterback, running back, and wide receiver, a respectable offensive line, and a freak of a defensive end in Mario Williams. Gary Kubiak's heart is in the right place, but until he fires Frank Bush, I must turn my back on him and his defense.

Houston Texans MicroDot Fashion Baseball Cap

DHT: Last question: should (Texans owner) Bob McNair fire Gary Kubiak?

FG15: Bob will keep the blessings of fruitful attendance, sales of smoking hot Texans cheerleader calendars and cold, delicious beer sales, regardless of his coaching situation, which could be costly to change. He is not allergic to money, like Redskins owner Daniel Snyder.

This has nothing to do with anything, but, guys, you are paying attention. This photo of Jessica Alba was the first one (that I actually want to look at)  that appeared in a Google search for "football god". Fans of both Philip Rivers and Chance Rivers - (DO NOT look that name up from a public location) may enjoy some of the first images that appear.  1 

DHT: Real quick, how do the gods feel about the Redskins?

FG15: The Redskins have drawn the ire and wrath of god Number Five. The rest of us aren't touching the Redskins with a 10 foot pole.

DHT: Number Five? A McNabb fan, I take it?

FG15: And a Native American.

DHT: YIKES!!!!

The Redskins might learn the meaning of the word, "karma". 3

We at The Daily Hat Trick would like to express our gratitude toward football god Number Fifteen for his time and candor. There you have it, valued reader. The inside scoop straight from a football god. Cheer up, Broncos Fan; the future looks bright. Texans Fan, if it is my money, when that season ticket invoice comes in, until there are some coaching changes, I would say, "NO MORE TEXANS!"

Don't forget to vote in the fan polls!

Special thanks to Josh Innes (Rich Lord & Josh Innes) of KILT, CBS Sports Radio 610-AM in Houston, Texas for providing creative inspiration for this fictitious interview. An audio variation of this interview may be heard, with permission from The Daily Hat Trick, on KILT or its affiliates.   

1) Image from pulledmygroin.com
2) Image from chesapeakechiliandsports.wordpress.com
3) Image from gq.com
4) Image url http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs343.snc4/41578_325071978514_8324268_n.jpg