So if we treat each of the recruiting teams as “suitors” and LeBron as the hot girl, let’s break it down and see who we have. There’s Cleveland Guy, Knicks Guy, Nets Guy, Chicago Guy, Clippers Guy and Miami Guy.
Knicks Guy is like a rich old man. He hasn’t really had a good piece, of, um, candy in a while and his rep is starting to slip. He’s on his 3rd or 4th divorce, he’s getting old and fat, but he’s still rich. Knicks Guy is the guy that knows the hot chick is dating a guy who is waaaay out of his league and it’s only a matter of time before she gets tired of playing with that guy.
So Knicks Guy starts slowly dumping all of the chicks he has right now, most of them are “5s” and “6s” but you wouldn’t kick them out of bed. He gets rid of all of them to roll out the red carpet and pull out the big guns for the hot chick when the time comes – limousines, fancy dinners, imported fresh flowers, theater tickets, the works. And the hot girl says, “Well that was nice. Thank you for a good time. I’ll be in touch.”
Realizing that he’s fat and old and everyone else is simply more attractive, he throws in the last nugget of enticement in a personal assistant to handle all of the hot girl’s grunt work. Whatever the female version of the name “Amare” is…that’s the personal assistant’s name…. The personal assistant isn’t a “10”, but she’s an “8” and not a bad consolation prize. Knicks Guy would be set if he can use the “8” to get the “10”, reminding the “10” that he still has some game, but the “10” fails, he’ll take his “8” and be happy or use her to attract a “9”.
There is also Nets Guy. Nets Guy is new money. He was the tool living in his mom’s basement developing “apps”. People made fun of him. His mom kept threatening to kick him out. Then, all of a sudden, Nets guy developed something that really works and a wealthy investor got behind him. Now, Nets Guys has MILLIONS, overnight. Nets Guy will not be girl-less long and he’s going to have a lot to pick from. But he’s swining for the fences and going for the dime piece.
So he shows up at her house in a Corvette with the T-tops off. He has on a white leisure suit with a salmon colored shirt with the top three buttons open, his chest hair poking out and a herringbone gold chain. He also has a pinkie ring with a massive, 3 karat diamond on his hand. He is NEW MONEY. And after he takes the hot girl out on the town, stuffing $100 bills into doormen’s pockets and walking right through the velvet rope to the VIP room and buying a round for everyone in the bar, including the “common people” downstairs, he says, “All of this can be yours, too! Stick with me, I’m goin’ places!” (or some cheese-ball line). And while the hot chick is a 10, Nets Guy can show her how to have her own buckets of money, without a man.
There’s Chicago Guy. Chicago Guy would love the hot chick to be on his team, but he already has an “8” and has enough game to where he’s only going to bend over so far for hot girl. He is also fully capable of pulling a couple of “9s” and his star is rising, and he’ll be happy, with or without the hot chick, but he’d prefer to have her.
Of course, Chicago Guy has already been married to and popped out a couple of kids with a modern day Marilyn Monroe, the hottest girl of all time to many. And the current hot chick has some concerns about being in Marilyn Monroe’s shadow. Chicago Guy has options, and everyone knows it. While he wants the “10” his pitch is ultimately, “The train is moving and we’d love to have you aboard!”
Then there is Miami Guy. Miami guy is an unapologetic womanizer. He’s been to the mountain top and back. After a lifetime of having “7s”, “8s”, and “9s”, he currently has a “9”, doesn’t plan on giving up the “9”, and wants the “10”, too. The “9” and “10” are going to have to coexist, but if everyone plays ball, there are unlimited riches for everyone. Miami guy will bend over backwards to get the “10” chick, but he isn’t giving up his “9”. He knows where he has to sleep at night. The problem, for Miami Guy, is that the hot chick he’s courting is a “10” and doesn’t have to share the bedroom with anyone, much less a “9”. Miami Guy is insistent upon being the womanizing, Don Johnson-looking grease ball that he is and will have two hotties on his arm at once. He knows it won’t be hard to bring in a “7” or “8” chick to compliment his other arm and may have to fall back upon that.
Then there is Clippers Guy. Clippers guy is the rich, prep-school jerk who hasn’t really worked a day in his life, but is still rich. His brother, across town, IS the equivalent of a “10”, where he doesn’t chase girls, but girls chase him. Clippers Guy’s mission is to prove to his dad that anything the brother can do, he can do better.
Clippers Guy is the tool that shows up at hot chick’s house late, acts like an ass the whole time, tries to plow the girl with liquor (and possibly roofies), then, and the end of the night tells her, “There’s more where that came from.” Right before she rolls her eyes and get’s ready to call her girlfriends and leave little pieces of this dork all over town, Clippers Guy reminds her that he offers her a chance to go toe-to-toe with the other “10” people are gawking over (his brother’s “10”) and show everyone who the hottest really is.
This brings us to Cleveland Guy. Cleveland Guy was in the right place at the right time when the hot chick fell into his lap. They grew up in the same neighborhood and have been true friends their entire lives. The cold, hard fact, is that Cleveland Guy is a “5” or a “6” who had to work hard to get into the hot chick’s heart and he finally won her over, like in many 80s movies with the slow clap at the end. However, the hot chick has come to the realization that she has outgrown Cleveland Guy. Cleveland Guy is lucky, but he’s no fool. He saw the beginning of the end coming a while ago. So he sends her more flowers than ever, takes her everywhere she wants. He buys her a brand new, top of the line, Chevy SUV. He kicks his mom and dad, who annoy her, out of the house and puts them into a retirement community. He gets a second job! He takes her in an airplane and proposes to her above the city with a huge ring!! She says, “I have to think about it.” And with one last effort, he shows up outside her window and serenades her (with this crap in the video - I think LeBron packed his bags the minute he saw this garbage)…we all can imagine Cleveland Guy’s fate. But you never know if Cleveland Guy can tug on that emotional connection enough to keep the girl juuust a little longer.
Cleveland City - We Are Lebron [Stay Lebron Official Song]
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