The NFL Real World

The NFL lockout is affecting everyone. Some of the rookie free agents and younger players, either without a contract or earning far less money than established veterans, have had to take on real, 9 to 5 jobs to get by until the lockout is lifted.

Today, we are going to take a look at three NFL players who had to bite the bullet and put on white collars instead of white jerseys. Let’s drop in on a few of them and see how they’re doing.

I hope (first pick in the 2011 NFL draft) Cam Newton still has that nice suit. At the rate negotiations are going, he may need it for work soon. 1

Our first player is managing a Foot Locker at a local shopping mall. They are getting ready to open their doors this morning.

Player: Alright! Some of you know me; I play in the NFL. Well today, you’re ALL players! We're all reaching for a championship! Foot Action? They ain’t gettin’ no action on us! Athlete’s Foot? That’s a disease! Champs? That’s CHUMPS! Alright let’s get it started, just how we practiced. ... ONE!

Crew of salespeople: ONE!

Player: TWO!

Crew: TWO!

Player: SELL!

Crew: SHOES!

Player: THREE!

Crew: THREE!

Player: FOUR!

Crew: FOUR!

Player: SELL!

Crew: MORE!



Dwight Howard could be joining his NFL brethren if the NBA keeps following the NFL's path. 2


Our second player is working as an insurance agent. The owner thought the discipline and work ethic of NFL players would go over well in the office.

Office worker: Damnit! The fax machine is out of paper. I think I’ll just slip a little paper out of the copier here….

(sudden, loud collision in the office as the player tackles the worker)

Player: Acme Insurance is a TEAM! When the fax is outta paper, we’re ALL outta paper! We don’t steal paper from the Xerox machine! Do we?

Worker: (confused) No?

Player: I can’t hear you!!!

Worker: NO SIR!

Player: That’s RIGHT! What do we do?

Worker: Refill the fax with a new ream of paper.

Player: With WHAT?

Worker: (louder but nervous) A new ream of pa-per!!

Player: That’s right!

How much less waste would we have in the office if someone like Terry Tate - Office Linebacker were in the building? 3

Our third player got a job in construction. Physical work outdoors, he thought, would be a good fit and help keep him in shape.

Foreman: Wow! This football player was a great hire. Look at him. Here at 5 am. In shape. He’s carrying twice the materials around that the other guys do. And he keeps working till after dark. You know, with this guy around, we really don’t need Frank anymore. Call Frank in. Tell him to bring his hard hat.

Secretary: (on the phone) Frank? The foreman would like to see you.

Frank: You wanted to see me?

Foreman: Frank we appreciate all of your hard work for National Construction, but with the new guy around doing twice the work, we have to let ya go.

Frank: WHAT?

Foreman: Now, there will still be opportunities for you to lay bricks. I have some contacts across town at United Construction I can reach out to. I’ll need your hard hat.

Poor Frank is competing with the big boys, now. 4 

So, as you can see, the lockout is turning everyone's world upside down. Let’s hope Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith can iron out their wrinkles soon, or the NFL and, in fact, the world as we know it may change, and not for the better!





1) Image from astorandblackblog.com
2) image from footlocker.com
3) Image from thewallofbadass.com; Terry Tate - Office Lineback is a ficttuous character and is a trademark and intellectual property of Reebok.
4) Image from usatoday.com