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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What Will It Be Like to Date Elin: The Outcome

Last year, the Hat Trick ran a tongue-in-cheek piece about what Tiger Woods' ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, may be like in the dating world, after divorcing the world's greatest and most marketable golfer. I did not know it at the time, but the article, "What Will It Be Like To Date Elin", would be the most viewed article in the brief history of The Daily Hat Trick, with more than three times as many page views as the next most viewed article ("Melo Drama", 2/16/11).

Today is a reset of this popular piece, with the aftermath of each "date" in blue. Enjoy!

Tiger and Elin are now officially divorced. Tiger can now move on with his life and Elin can move on with hers. While Tiger has taken a bad blow (rimshot) to his image among other “bad blows”, I think we all have little doubt that Tiger will not have trouble with the ladies when he chooses to dive back into the dating pool.

Elin, on the other hand, may have a little trouble finding a man to her liking. Few people want to go backwards in their choices of partner. Tiger is going to have a much easier time finding bus station skanks, club promoters, Waffle House waitresses and porn stars to have sex with before Elin finds a #1 ranked billionaire, superstar golfer.
Tiger: Now we're talkin'!

Hey Tiger!

So we followed Elin on a few dates, during the separation. Let’s see how they went.

Elin accepted a date with Chaz. Chaz is an accountant. He shows up at one of Elin’s extra mansions in his Mercedes C Class.

Complete tool

Chaz: Elin, hi. I’m Chaz. I brought this bouquet of roses for you.

Elin: Oh…how nice. (sniffs) They smell like they came from (sniffs again) a florist? You mean you DON’T have your own rose garden? Oh well. It is the thought that counts. Let’s go.

Chaz: (opening the front passenger door) Let me get that for you. You look lovely this evening.

Elin: (laughing, giggling) Oh Chaz! You are so silly! Opening the door for me to sit in the front seat…! And where is your driver? Oh you are too much!

Chaz: Um…I dunno. I just thought it would be nice to drive my own car.

Elin: You DRIVE this thing? This isn’t your DRIVER’s car? At first I thought your limousine was in the shop! Oh you average American men are such cavemen!

Chaz, the “average man” makes $175,000 per year. Later, at dinner….

Chaz: So we were all working until one in the morning on this maaajor merger and finally someone… (interrupted)

Elin: I don’t understand, Chaz. How is this interesting to anyone? You crunch numbers and spend all night at your office. Do women actually LIKE what you do?

Chaz: (under his breath) They like when I’m a home at night, instead of at IHOP for a little more than pancakes.

Later that evening….

Elin: Well, Chaz. You try very hard. I don’t think I want to see you after tonight, but would you like to come in? You see, I have not felt a man since I caught Tiger and we both know you won’t say no to me. I’ve always wanted to try, what do you call it? “Shooting fish in a barrel”?

Maxim (1-year auto-renewal)

Chaz: (about to get testy before he realizes he’s getting some) Why you BI…big-hearted, beautiful woman! Let’s go.

A minute later….

Elin: Okay, big Chaz! Let’s see what kind of nine iron you’re packing.

Chaz: (unzips pants)

Elin: (while laughing uncontrollably and hysterically) Ooh! Ha ha ha! Oh THAT little thing! I haven’t seen anything, quite like that, in years! Oh Chaz! Oh thank you for a very funny evening. Ah ha ha ha!

The aftermath: Chaz, humiliated and infuriated, stormed out of the house. After recollecting his manhood and self-confidence, he called Elin to wipe the slate clean. Elin gave him the, "Don't call me; I'll call you," treatment. Chaz is currently not dating, preferring to spend the few free hours he gets in the company of escorts, who cater much more to Chaz's ego.

That little thing warranted a "face palm".

Elin’s next date was a blind date with Ben Roethlisberger.

(Doorbell rings, door opens)

Ben: (in a t-shirt with flip flops on) Elin? Hi! I’m Ben…

(door slams shut)

The aftermanth: Ben assumed that Elin made a mistake and simply didn't recognize him. Ben broke the glass to the front door, turned the handle, and let himself in. Elin quickly gave Ben the same treatment she gave her ex-husband...on Thanksgiving night. Roethlisberger has since become engaged to be married. The girl, this time, said, "YES!"

Her next date was with a doctor.

Elin: Oh doctor! I am having such a good time. It is so nice to meet a man who… (doctor’s beeper goes off)

Doctor: Oh no! Elin, I’m sorry. I need to cut this short. There was a bus accident and I’m needed at the hospital.

Elin: You lying piece of (beep)! You are going to go screw your “booty call”. I know how you Americans work.

Doctor: Elin, I’m a doctor. I have to…HEY, DAMNIT! What are you doing?

Elin: (produces a golf club, begins swinging at the doctor in the restaurant) You son of a bitch! I am not stupid! You aren’t going to start off by cheating on me (glasses break, plates hit the floor).

Doctor: Holy (beep), lady are you CRAZY?

The aftermath: The good doctor didn't get "M.D." behind his name from being stupid. He ran and did not look back, preferring to stick with 20-something nurses. He keeps getting older, but they stay the saaaaame age! (Awww right, aw right, aw right!)

Elin’s last date was with LeBron James. Everything was going well until LeBron came back to the house for “coffee” after the date.

LeBron: (breathing heavily) Who’s the king? Who’s the king? Who…is…the…king?

Elin: Oh! Dwyane Wade! I’ll take my talents to South Beach for you, too!

LeBron: The F(beep)K????

Elin: Whoopsie!

LeBron: That’s it! I’m outta here. I’ve never been so embarrassed and insulted in all my life!

Elin: (under her breath) Somehow I doubt that. (talks to LeBron). Oh, don’t go! Please stay, LeBron. I REALLY need you! (starts giggling and laughing at LeBron again, LeBron leaves).

The aftermath: After describing the escapade to his teammates, Elin received a phone call from Dwyane Wade. No additional information is available, but one can only assume it went well.

Cleveland City - We Are Lebron [Stay Lebron Official Song]
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