Obituary: The Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys, born 1960, died Monday, October 25, 2010. The season was seven weeks old. The son of Jerry Jones, the Cowboys were preceded in death by Tom Landry and Tex Schramm, who are rotating in their graves, and Tony Romo’s career, which joined Messers Landry and Schramm after being plowed onto his collarbone (also Monday night). The Cowboys won over a dozen division, conference, and world championships during their lifetime, last winning Super Bowl XXX following the 1995 season.

The Cowboys recently moved to a $1 billion dollar Taj Majal, Cowboys Stadium, in 2009, soon to be “Cowboys Mausoleum” in foreclosure as no reasonable person would keep paying the mortgage for a dead man. The Cowboys appeared to be in improving health with promising rookies, talented free agent signings, and returning veterans. However, the Cowboys succumbed to mortal injuries at the hands of a thorough ass-whoopin’ at the hands of the New York Giants. Coaches failed in their attempt to revive the Cowboys with a 20-7 start, squandering the lead by surrendering 31 unanswered points. The Cowboys regained a detectable pulse in the 4^th quarter, but were declared dead following the failed onside kick.

Survivors include Dez Bryant, who donated $50,000 toward burial expenses, Roy Williams, who assisted in the euthanasia, and Jessica Simpson, who was stuck with Mr. Romo’s last IHOP tab, Mr. Romo, who is still alive, though his future is not and Wade Phillips, though Mr. Phillips is on Death Watch. The body is to lie in state, open to the public, 9 more times this season, 5 times at Cowboys Mausoleum and also at viewing memorials in Green Bay, East Rutherford, Indianapolis, Phoenix, and Philadelphia. Please send discipline and wins in lieu of flowers and Mass cards.