Charlie Sheen’s Speech to the LSU Baseball Team

Those of you that read regularly know that I am a graduate of Louisiana State University. The LSU baseball team is in the midst of a funk, having recently ended a four game losing streak on Wednesday. LSU has lost several winnable games in way that makes fans, like me, scratch their heads and say, “Hmm”.

Being the purple and gold bleeding LSU fan that I am, I used my confidential sources and reached out to Charlie Sheen. With a critical three game series against the Auburn Tigers starting tonight, I thought I’d help secure the Sheen karma for OUR boys with tiger blood. Sheen gave a motivational speech to the UCLA baseball team earlier in the season. UCLA is currently ranked #23 in the Baseball America Top 25 while LSU has fallen out of the ranks of college baseball’s elite. I thought a little dose of Charlie Sheen wouldn’t kill the Fighting Tigers, but make them stronger.

Sheen to UCLA Baseball: "Drink chocolate milk. Stay off the crack." 1

With that said, Mr. Sheen offers these words of inspiration to the LSU baseball team:

“You guys are going to need a little more than chocolate milk to claim the ultimate prize. But you’ve got it already. Just like me, you’ve got Tiger’s Blood, man! For crying out loud, it’s in your NAME! You know what that makes you? Duh! ‘WINNERS’!

Tiger Blood! 2

Auburn might have Tiger Blood, too. So what! They might think they’re tough as nails. They might BE nails. If they’re nails, the LSU Tigers are bayonets. Look at the Intimidator. Six College World Series titles…! You’re battle tested bayonets!

Some of your fans will be happy if you take this series. Taking the series might just be a 67 percent success rate. That’s the rate of sissies! You’re gonna get addicted to WINNING! You’re gonna have a 100 percent success rate.

Mikie Mahtook: WINNING! 2

So when Auburn ends up in your Alex Box Octagon, you give them nothing but pain in their silly travels! When they leave here on Sunday, they’re going to be 0 for 3 at The Box the way I’m 0 for 3 in marriage! Smoke those earthworms with your fire breathing bats then go home and nail the coed goddesses like the rock stars you are!

Stay off the crack. Geaux Tigers.”

Opposing catcher: nails. Austin Nola: bayonet! 2

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1) Image from obsessedwithsports.com
2) Images from lsusports.net